Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed past participle, past tense of o·ver·whelm (Verb)
1. Bury or drown beneath a huge mass.
2. Defeat completely.

That is how I feel right now. So much so that I am struggling to articulate exactly why. So this one is going to be a rambler I'm afraid while I try and get my head around everything.

Let's start with the job. I am not at my happiest in this job it has to be said. It's not a bad job but it's not what I want to be doing. However I get a decent wage and I'm not going to be any happier realistically if I changed jobs. So here I stay.

Family: Well I don't think I have my head around the split between my Dad and my Stepmum yet. I've not really spoken to either of them in a very long time and I can't bring myself to call either of them. That's a sure sign if ever I needed one.

Homesteading: One of our hens is looking like being a rooster. My favourite one too. Poot! So there will be roast chicken on the menu soon I think.

The Plan: It's looking like we might be moving The Plan from a nice plot in the English countryside to one in the French Countryside. Eep! I think this is the one to push me into overwhelmed.

I've always been teetering on the edge of overwhelmed with The Plan. Don't get me wrong, I want it. But I've never really had to sit and focus thought on it before. Currently Spadger is the one doing all the research. This is, I admit, partly due to my own indolence. I will admit to needing a big kick up the butt to research anything. It was always my failing at uni. But it is also partly down to my own insecurity and lack of place. Spadger does all the "farming" on our plot at the moment. He knows how he wants to do things and that is what happens. We kinda fell into traditional roles at home as someone needs to do the stuff round the house. So while he gardens I keep house. Most of the time I'm ok with this. Occasionally I want to be outside but if I do that something gets neglected and it's just not worth it. I tried to help by planning the planting rotation for the garden this year but that kind of fell by the wayside. Me and Spadger work so differently that it's not a surprise that happened really.

But this does lead to me feeling like I don't really have a place in The Plan. Sure I keep house. But I know nothing about how we are going to power our farmhouse, manage woodland, pay for the things we cannot provide ourselves. I don't know what animals are best for the smallholder to keep or what crops to plant in what region. It's silly because not knowing makes me feel out of control which I hate. But there seems to be no point finding out as I'm not actually going to do anything with this information as Spadger does all that.

The scary part is I know darn well that Spadger could do this without me but the reverse is not true.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed. Mostly my own fault but there you go.