Thursday, 19 December 2013


My apologies everyone. But if this test goes right you're going to get this one in  your twitter/facebook feed twice. This is intentional as I'm testing something. Sorry about this.

Ok so this should be the second posting with updates ^_^ Fingers crossed

Tuesday, 17 December 2013


So, my reaction to a name popping up in my Twitter feed yesterday morning has clued me in to the fact that I still have some serious issues to work through. Seeing a name should not make you feel sick. I was not in contact with this person. They were not speaking to me. it was a simple case of a retweet.

Seconds after the wave of nausea I felt ridiculous. This is ancient history. I am over this. I have forgiven this. Haven't I? Apparently not. If I had then I would not have felt like this. It's interesting to be faced with the realisation that you might not be a put together as you thought.

You see over the 8 years since I last saw this person I have grown so much. I am a better person in almost every way. I still fall short but I am now aware of it when I do and instead of crumbling I just work hard to do better. I honestly thought I was completely present in my 31 year old self. It seems that the insecure 18 year old me is still in here with a louder voice than I gave her credit for.

It's immensely frustrating to know this. But, with the wisdom I have gained over the last few years, I am able to see this as a positive thing. Not a good thing, but positive for sure.  Because now I have an obstacle to overcome. Once upon a time that obstacle would have been cause for dismay. But I want to be a better person. I want to be the person I know I can be. And if being able to drag myself past the emotional manipulation of my past is part of that then bring it on I say.

I've been feeling very introspective of late. As a result I have plans to make 2014 (and every year thereafter) as fulfilling as possible. There are so many things I want to do and I am determined to have a crack at them all. Some are huge and others are small but they are all important. I will be adding lay some demons to rest to that list. I would like to be able to see a certain name and not feel ill.

Monday, 16 December 2013


Tis the season and all that. We are into the 12 days of Christmas and, all things willing, I will actually be putting up decorations this evening for the first time in about 8 years!! But for me Christmas is actually quite a sad time. I didn't lose someone at this time of year or anything horrible like that. Instead my sadness comes from all the people I meet. Let me explain.

Every single day I am presented with people. Some are wonderful, others less so. Deep down I know all these people have the potential to be amazing. To be kind and honest. To think of their fellow humans. To work together to make the world the fantastic place it can be. The problem is that most of the time people don't do that. People as a whole (not individual persons) are quite egocentric. We don't make eye contact or smile at the people we encounter. We put ourselves first. We assume someone else will be the one to make things better.

But at Christmas? Then we see people shine. They are kind to everyone. They give generously. They are nice to their friends and family and strangers alike. I look around every year in wonder at how damn wonderful people are. And then I get sad.

Surely this should fill me with joy I hear you all shout.

It does. Please don't mistake me. It really does fill me with joy. But if we were half as amazing all year round as we are at Christmas then the world would be the wonderful place we all wish it was.

I can't afford to give to charity all year round I hear you mutter. That's fine, no one is asking you to. But how about making eye contact with the cashier who served you today and saying thank you? Actually thanking them as a person not just saying thanks to the space of air to the left of their head.

But I can't be that nice all the time I hear you mumble. Why not? What does it cost you to try and be nice to everyone you're speaking to? What does it cost you to be patient?

Change is hard. I get that. But I would love to see everyone try to better themselves. Not next year. Not as a new year's resolution. But now. Right this instant. To reach out and connect with the people they see everyday. To bring a little bit of kindness into their lives. If you can do big acts then do them. But any Random Act of Kindness is a good thing. This little things add up. That person you made smile will likely go on to make others smile. And so on.

You are a wonderful person. Accept that as fact and live up to it ^_^

p.s. If you do want to donate to charity this Holiday Season I just added a text donation thing to my drive for MSF. You can donate £1, £2, £3, £4, £5 or £10. Or you can visit my page HERE