Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Why I don't want to kick the ass of 2016

I really dislike New Year. This concept of an arbitrary date being a magical turning point has always bugged me. Every day is the start of a new year if you choose to measure it as such. So with this in mind you must understand how much I hate all the inspirational crap I've seen this week about kicking the ass of 2016.

Now let me get one thing straight. I totally advocate having a kick ass year. Try your hardest, do the things you really want to do, step out of your comfort zone, try new things, get really good at stuff you love. Experience the year! But for people to be aiming for the year to be perfect, or the best, or just all round great is scary.

Life is about ups and downs. There will (hopefully) be wonderful and amazing and fantastic moments in 2016. There will also (unfortunately) be terrible, sad, annoying moments too. This is just how it works. Maybe your year will have more up. Maybe it will have more down. I hope for the former for you all but what I hope for more is the grace to deal with the downs.

I want you all to start 2016 with the determination to kick the ass of tomorrow. And then on the evening of Jan 1st to have the determination to kick the ass of tomorrow. And the same on the 2nd and so on and so on. Try to make each day the best you can. Count in moments rather than years. Find joy in tiny things rather than feeling that events have to be massive to have meaning. Accept set backs, learn from them if you can. but don't let them derail you. Get back up the next day and try and kick it's ass.

I set my bar for happiness really low and thus I am, generally, one of the happiest people I know. There isn't a week goes by that I don't feel shitty at least once, Often it's daily. But I no longer let that define me overall. The sadness, and the feeling of worthlessness can have it's place in my life but I will be damned if I let it rule me.

I have brought balance to the Force that is myself and I hope you all can too. It is a constant battle but it is so damn worth it. Fight for your balance rather then wanting everything to be better. And for the love of all that is holy stop chasing "How it was Before". Move on. You are who you are now with all the things that have happened making you this person. You cannot go back. We don't have time machines or magic wands (if you do please contact me, I have ideas). All we can do is move forward. Keep going. Be you, in this moment,

Wishing you all a 2016 you can be happy with ^_^

Friday, 23 October 2015

That time of year

Tomorrow is None D Day he 12th. Usually at this time of year I am full of enthusiasm and joie de vivre. I'll admit that I am struggling this year. I've been mulling this blog over in my head for a few weeks now. Even after all this time and all my grand talk of how we should talk about these things I still find it hard. I am a firm believer in no shame but even so. I worry about how my word affect others. Especially those closest to me.

But I have to hold myself to the standard I set. So I am writing.

This year has been hard for me. There has been a lot of change which historically I am not great with. Not even change for the better. I just don't like it. And boy howdy has this year been full of it. It's been almost constant. There really hasn't felt like I've had a moment to get used to one change before something else has happened.

We moved house in January. To a house we are much happier in. But it was a move away from our first house together as a couple and that was hard in a way. In February my job moved premises. Again to something much better. But we are still finding homes for things and I don't know the area we are now in all that well so feel very out of place when customers ask for directions and the like. In April we closed the other store we had so all the mail order things moved to us which was quite a change in routine. In May/June my hours increased. In June/July they increased again with added job roles and responsibilities. A lot of which has changed and increased since then. It is very much a learn as I go kind of thing which obviously leads to mistakes. I am learning from those mistakes but man do I hate them happening. In July my wonderful Stepdaughter came to live with us permanently. Most people get 9 months to get used to the idea of a child and then they get a baby. We officially got 9 weeks and a teenager. We knew for months beforehand that it was happening but it was all very uncertain until 9 weeks before. She is great and as teenagers go she is rather fantastic. But it is one hell of a change to our lives. Where there has only ever been the two of us to consider now there is three. It takes some getting used to. But we are all learning to live with each other I think.

Things seem to have quietened down now. There has been no major changes for the last couple of months. But you see what I mean about it being all go? I don't really feel like I've processed anything. And it being all go means that little things have gone my the wayside. We didn't celebrate our wedding anniversary this year for example. In fact there seems to have been very little time for any kind of celebration of anything this year.

This is definitely a fault on my part. I can feel myself pulling away from people. I've not really wanted to be social. I've not really wanted anything. Yet at the same time I want company and love. There are things I need but I don't ask for them because asking has always felt a little bit wrong. In many ways I am rather selfish. I expect people to know what I need and to offer it. Asking for it takes some of the shine away. Stupid right? ::sigh:: It's something I've gotten much better at over the years but I do still suffer from. So I want to be left alone but not.

All this leads to me just feeling a bit shitty. I kind of want to cry all the time right now. For me crying has always been a great emotional palate cleanser. I generally feel much better after I've had a good sob. So why don't I just go ahead and have a good cry? I have no idea. I fight it for as long as I can every damn time. No idea why. I suppose deep down I feel it is some kind of weakness. That I should be stronger than that. I wouldn't expect that of anyone else but hey, we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations.

At this time of year I think about how I used to cope. As most of you know from talking to me or previous blogs I self harmed for a long time. 12 years of slowly worsening harm. It happened both when I felt bad and also if there was anything too good. Anything that changed the delicate emotional balance I was trying to maintain.  I haven't deliberately harmed myself in over 9 years.  But if I'm honest I haven't really replaced that coping mechanism with anything else. Mostly if I feel bad I just try and ignore it. It generally works. In fairness I rarely feel that bad any more. I am much better at processing the emotional ups and downs than I was.

But this year has me beat.

So as much as I will be celebrating tomorrow it will be a determined struggle rather than a genuine expression of joy. I am so very grateful for the last 12 years. I have so much in my life that I love. My family, friends, job, everything. But that doesn't mean that I can't feel bad. I can have everything and still feel sad and angry.

It will pass. It always does. On None D Day I hit the bottom of my metaphorical ocean and I pushed up hard. I sent myself towards the surface with as much power as possible. I'm still swimming towards the sunshine, I just feel the weight of the water occasionally ^_^

 (Apologies for typos ect. This is not the kind of thing I can proof read. It's write it and send it to the ether)

Sunday, 7 June 2015

Amanda Palmer 5th June

So here are my fav pics from the Amanda Palmer gig ^_^

Wednesday, 7 January 2015


You may notice the hashtag #FocusOnThePositive popping up in my feed from time to time this year. Why? Let me tell you.

I am generally a positive person. I try not to just badmouth persons or situations. But everyone likes a moan now and then and life is sadly not all sunshine and puppies. But negativity, of any kind or level, breeds negativity. I noticed that by the end of last year a lot of my tweets we just me having a little gripe. Nothing huge but negative nonetheless.

This year is going to be hard in may ways for many people I know. I want to help not hinder so I want to get rid of the negative attitude before it becomes a problem.

So this year I am going to focus on the positive. There are so few situations in life that are 100% negative. With this in mind whenever I post anything negative it will be followed by #FocusOnThePositive and then a positive aspect of said thing.

I invite you all to join me in this. It's a wonderful way to embrace the concept of Right Thought and to help us keep our own minds, and those of others who read our thoughts, on the positive side.

And if negativity breeds negativity then surely positivity will breed positivity!