Friday, 23 October 2015

That time of year

Tomorrow is None D Day he 12th. Usually at this time of year I am full of enthusiasm and joie de vivre. I'll admit that I am struggling this year. I've been mulling this blog over in my head for a few weeks now. Even after all this time and all my grand talk of how we should talk about these things I still find it hard. I am a firm believer in no shame but even so. I worry about how my word affect others. Especially those closest to me.

But I have to hold myself to the standard I set. So I am writing.

This year has been hard for me. There has been a lot of change which historically I am not great with. Not even change for the better. I just don't like it. And boy howdy has this year been full of it. It's been almost constant. There really hasn't felt like I've had a moment to get used to one change before something else has happened.

We moved house in January. To a house we are much happier in. But it was a move away from our first house together as a couple and that was hard in a way. In February my job moved premises. Again to something much better. But we are still finding homes for things and I don't know the area we are now in all that well so feel very out of place when customers ask for directions and the like. In April we closed the other store we had so all the mail order things moved to us which was quite a change in routine. In May/June my hours increased. In June/July they increased again with added job roles and responsibilities. A lot of which has changed and increased since then. It is very much a learn as I go kind of thing which obviously leads to mistakes. I am learning from those mistakes but man do I hate them happening. In July my wonderful Stepdaughter came to live with us permanently. Most people get 9 months to get used to the idea of a child and then they get a baby. We officially got 9 weeks and a teenager. We knew for months beforehand that it was happening but it was all very uncertain until 9 weeks before. She is great and as teenagers go she is rather fantastic. But it is one hell of a change to our lives. Where there has only ever been the two of us to consider now there is three. It takes some getting used to. But we are all learning to live with each other I think.

Things seem to have quietened down now. There has been no major changes for the last couple of months. But you see what I mean about it being all go? I don't really feel like I've processed anything. And it being all go means that little things have gone my the wayside. We didn't celebrate our wedding anniversary this year for example. In fact there seems to have been very little time for any kind of celebration of anything this year.

This is definitely a fault on my part. I can feel myself pulling away from people. I've not really wanted to be social. I've not really wanted anything. Yet at the same time I want company and love. There are things I need but I don't ask for them because asking has always felt a little bit wrong. In many ways I am rather selfish. I expect people to know what I need and to offer it. Asking for it takes some of the shine away. Stupid right? ::sigh:: It's something I've gotten much better at over the years but I do still suffer from. So I want to be left alone but not.

All this leads to me just feeling a bit shitty. I kind of want to cry all the time right now. For me crying has always been a great emotional palate cleanser. I generally feel much better after I've had a good sob. So why don't I just go ahead and have a good cry? I have no idea. I fight it for as long as I can every damn time. No idea why. I suppose deep down I feel it is some kind of weakness. That I should be stronger than that. I wouldn't expect that of anyone else but hey, we hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations.

At this time of year I think about how I used to cope. As most of you know from talking to me or previous blogs I self harmed for a long time. 12 years of slowly worsening harm. It happened both when I felt bad and also if there was anything too good. Anything that changed the delicate emotional balance I was trying to maintain.  I haven't deliberately harmed myself in over 9 years.  But if I'm honest I haven't really replaced that coping mechanism with anything else. Mostly if I feel bad I just try and ignore it. It generally works. In fairness I rarely feel that bad any more. I am much better at processing the emotional ups and downs than I was.

But this year has me beat.

So as much as I will be celebrating tomorrow it will be a determined struggle rather than a genuine expression of joy. I am so very grateful for the last 12 years. I have so much in my life that I love. My family, friends, job, everything. But that doesn't mean that I can't feel bad. I can have everything and still feel sad and angry.

It will pass. It always does. On None D Day I hit the bottom of my metaphorical ocean and I pushed up hard. I sent myself towards the surface with as much power as possible. I'm still swimming towards the sunshine, I just feel the weight of the water occasionally ^_^

 (Apologies for typos ect. This is not the kind of thing I can proof read. It's write it and send it to the ether)