Music is an amazing thing. There are songs that bring back memories or make you feel a certain way every time you hear them. For me a lot of music I like is irrevocably linked to a feeling of sadness or despondency. This week they seem to be playing all of those songs on the radio at work :o(
I thought I would share with you a few of these songs and my favourite lyrics from them. I'm also planning on doing more posts on some of my favourite songs and what they say to me. But for now let's look at the radio's way of digging into my past. I would have put videos for them up but I just didn't get round to it. So I really hope you find the songs and listen to them as you read. But if not, no biggie.
Maroon5 - She will be loved
The album this song is off was one of 2 albums I listened to as I decorated my room in the house I lived in after uni. I had moved in with my ex and one of his friends as a room had become free and I needed somewhere to live. I didn't want to move back in with a parent and it was cheap. It was one of the worst mistakes I have ever made. I should never have stepped foot in that town again let alone so close to him. The next 2 years robbed me of all the confidence and freedom I had gained at uni. They took me back to the emotionally crippled 15 year old that is my inner self. They were bad years. This song reminds me of those times just by listening to it.
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
This lyric in particular moves me. At the time I was lonely and seeking comfort in all the wrong places. There was a boy who loved me but not enough to be with me and that was tearing me apart. This song summed up the bittersweet nature of our relationship. Things are not easy but I'm here for you. That kind of sentiment.
Nickleback - How you remind me
During those 2 years I hit bottom in many ways. I went back to self harming in a big way. I took an overdose. I let myself be manipulated and broken by my ex. I felt unworthy of love. I find it very hard to listen to this song without feeling both angry and hopeless. Yet I do like the song so it happens.
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking
and I've been wrong, I've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris
This next one came out when I was 16 and was just at the beginning of the 2 complicated relationships that defined my adolescence. I was also just starting my dependency on self harm. I found that when I couldn't cry I tended to hurt myself more. So you can see why the below lyric resonates so much.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive
Ok so that's it for what the radio has been playing. I'm now going to introduce you to a few other songs that are important to me for various reasons.
Matchbox20 - Push
Now this one is a very important one to me. The first time I heard it was with my ex. At the time I was, well, I was his bit on the side. There really is no better way to put it. I spent a long time hoping to be good enough for him to go out and he messed me around for a long time before we finally did. We were together on and off for 3 years and engaged by the end of it. But he never made me feel like I was worth anything and not long after going away to uni I finally got the confidence to leave him. I got the confidence to believe that someone else would want me and I didn't have to settle for him.
The words to this song stayed with me and would be guaranteed to make me cry if I was feeling the slightest bit down. It was the song I played as I took my overdose.
That said it is still probably my favourite song and I do listen to it often.
She said I don't know if I've ever been good enough
I'm a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don't know if I've ever been really loved
By a hand that's touched me, well I feel like something's
And I'm a little bit angry
Dashboard Confessional - Standard Lines
This one speaks to me of a love that is damaging. One that bruises and breaks. One that will never last but will be with you forever. It speaks of the time after such a love. Being lost without it.
I am a lover of the tragic romance so I think this some appeals to that part of me.
But your taste still lingers on my lips like I just placed them upon yours
and I starve for you.
But this new diet's liquid
and dulling to the senses.
And it's crude but it will do.
Darren Hayes - Unlovable
I have no lyrics from this one as it is the whole song that touches me. It reaches into my heart and sings to all my fears. I spent most of my life believing I was unworthy of being loved. I was an early developer physically and looked older than my years which meant I was desired before I was fancied. Until meeting Spadger There has been been no one who was either willing or capable of sustaining a relationship. Those unwilling wanted me on the side. Those incapable were too broken to manage and I can't blame them for that. It was their shattered natures that drew me to them. I know now that I am loved. I do not doubt it for a second. But that 15 year old wreck is still a part of me and the music touches her.
So that is a look at some of the more maudlin music of my life. I hope you have gone and found the songs and listened to them as you read. I'll be back soon with more. Maybe even a few cheerful ones :o)