Lone Wolf

I sometimes wonder if all humans are really pack animals. I don't think I am. I love my family and friends, don't get me wrong. But I often find it really hard to find the desire to spend time with them. Once I'm there it's great and I generally enjoy myself. But the get up and go can be hard to find.

Perhaps it's because I've become part of more social groups as I've gotten older. There are more people to see and thus more people I feel beholden to. Add to that family obligations and a job where I am customer facing (in a very demanding and hands on way) and suddenly I'm spending a lot of my time interacting with people.

I'm an introvert. I require time on my own to recharge. But getting that time feels selfish these days. Turning down friends because I want to sit on the sofa with my cats and knit feels awful when it's so hard to find time that we're all available. Shutting myself away in the bedroom because I really have no energy to interact with my husband and daughter makes me feel like a terrible wife and mother.

How can I balance all the demands that people have of me whilst not losing myself in the process?

I guess the answer is by trying my best. Making arrangements with people and trying to stick to them. Crying off when I know I need some time alone. Taking the time to sit on the sofa, or having a crazy long bath. Knowing that at times I am going to come off as frustrating and accepting that. Getting good at making apologies and being the most present version of myself that I can be when I do socialise.

I suppose that is all that I can do.