So, my reaction to a name popping up in my Twitter feed yesterday morning has clued me in to the fact that I still have some serious issues to work through. Seeing a name should not make you feel sick. I was not in contact with this person. They were not speaking to me. it was a simple case of a retweet.
Seconds after the wave of nausea I felt ridiculous. This is ancient history. I am over this. I have forgiven this. Haven't I? Apparently not. If I had then I would not have felt like this. It's interesting to be faced with the realisation that you might not be a put together as you thought.
You see over the 8 years since I last saw this person I have grown so much. I am a better person in almost every way. I still fall short but I am now aware of it when I do and instead of crumbling I just work hard to do better. I honestly thought I was completely present in my 31 year old self. It seems that the insecure 18 year old me is still in here with a louder voice than I gave her credit for.
It's immensely frustrating to know this. But, with the wisdom I have gained over the last few years, I am able to see this as a positive thing. Not a good thing, but positive for sure. Because now I have an obstacle to overcome. Once upon a time that obstacle would have been cause for dismay. But I want to be a better person. I want to be the person I know I can be. And if being able to drag myself past the emotional manipulation of my past is part of that then bring it on I say.
I've been feeling very introspective of late. As a result I have plans to make 2014 (and every year thereafter) as fulfilling as possible. There are so many things I want to do and I am determined to have a crack at them all. Some are huge and others are small but they are all important. I will be adding lay some demons to rest to that list. I would like to be able to see a certain name and not feel ill.