I'm not sure how to start this one. It's been an age since I just wrote a post. Since I just let feelings spill out onto a page. It feels kind of self indulgent to want to do it now. But I am brimming. I feel lost inside my own head and writing has always made me feel better. So here goes I guess.
I always feel a bit funny at this time of year. The approach of None Dead Day is, as you would expect, a time of high emotions. For the majority of the last 11 years it has been a time to be grateful, happy, hopeful, loved, enthused. But this year I just feel lost. There is nothing really that has sparked this feeling. It's just there. It leaves a kind of physical nausea in my stomach. It leaves me digging my nails into my palms and not realizing I'm doing it. It makes me pull away from people when I want to be comforted.
Quite frankly it's ridiculous.
But that doesn't make it go away. These kind of feelings have been with me for a long time. I became aware of them when I was about 12. Over the years I have gotten better at dealing with them. I know I am loved and I am worthwhile. I even know that I am loved and worthwhile on my own. But every so often this takes over. And that is the horror of issues like this. Rationality just falls to pieces in it's face.
So I continue to feel brought low. eventually it will go away. Probably at about the same time the odd dreams do. I know damn well that lack of good sleep is at least partially responsible for this. Tomorrow I will either listen to music that makes me feel powerful or I'll watch What Dreams May Come. The first will make me feel strong and the second will make me cry. Not sure which I need most right now. Probably the latter if I'm honest. I usually feel a lot better once I've had a good cry.
Rest assured good reader, I will feel better. I always do. Thanks for listening ^_^